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The Good Life by Robert Waldinger & Marc Schulz
Erik Jahner, PhD
Erik Jahner, PhD

41F977ZCG9L._SL500_The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness serves as a warm and guiding light, steering us towards a more meaningful and inspiring existence. Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz, director and co-director, weave together narratives and insights from their extraordinary 84-year-long Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study, spanning three successive generations of participants, not only encompasses the lives of the initial 724 individuals but extends its reach to encompass the stories of 1,300 of their descendants. Rather than showcasing exceptional figures and role models, this book delves into the lives of relatable, everyday people, unveiling the specialness inherent in our interconnectedness. Bursting with relatable anecdotes and enlightening discoveries, the book offers a refreshing take on the true sources of happiness.

In an era where the pursuit of productivity, efficiency, focus, and optimization dominates, this book provides a gentle yet uplifting reminder of our genuine human essence. Amidst our efforts, it offers us a chance to recognize the invaluable treasure of building strong bonds with loved ones, friends, and our community.

The authors skillfully contextualize the Harvard Study, elevating it beyond a mere collection of anecdotes. Drawing from both the ancient wisdom of Plato and Seneca to contemporary fMRI studies that explore the neuroscience of holding hands, the authors blend philosophy with modern neuropsychology to illuminate the stories they share. Their synthesis spans the ages, offering scientifically substantiated pathways to enlivening and imbuing our lives with meaning.

Connections are not solely confined to finding romantic love or creating the quintessential family. Happiness is not exclusive to a singular type of relationship; rather, it is a rich tapestry of connections—friendships, family ties, fleeting conversations with colleagues, or shared smiles with strangers. It encourages us to value the everyday interactions that often go unnoticed amidst our pursuit of personal betterment. Through the lens of this book, we uncover diverse avenues to recognize and cultivate happiness in every facet of our lives.

While loaded with advice and heuristics, this is not a mere sprinkle of friendly advice. The book emphasizes that relationships require genuine care and effort, as well as self-awareness. While opportunities for connections abound, they necessitate deliberate action and appreciation. The reader is gently prompted to introspect, cherish, and invest in the relationships that light up their existence. Through the experiences of the study participants, the book underscores the rewards and fulfillment that blossom from nurturing these precious bonds.

Symbiotic relationship between the heart and health are also highlighted in the examinations of correlations between vibrant relationships and overall well-being. In a world grappling with isolation, the book delivers a heartfelt message: prioritize the connections that set your heart aglow. Beyond interpersonal bonds, the book delves into an array of ingredients that enhance the recipe for happiness. From uncovering our life’s purpose to sprinkling gratitude into our daily routines, and tending to our mental and physical health, it offers a delectable menu for a richer, more fulfilling existence.

While presenting novel insights, the book also holds up a mirror to our oversights—reminding us of our unmet needs and those of others. Reading this book invites moments of pause and self-reflection, prompting us to recognize the simple yet overlooked aspects of life that warrant our attention.

Sit down with Robert and Marc over a cup of coffee as they share the wisdom gleaned from delving into the ebbs and flows of hundreds of lives. “The Good Life” encapsulates that very conversation—brimming with laughter, sagacity, and shared experiences. It reiterates that happiness isn’t a distant career aspiration requiring years of toil and sacrifice; rather, it resides in the connections we nurture and the moments we cherish today.

The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust by Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold
Rebecca Gotlieb
Rebecca Gotlieb

The famous, well-replicated “still-face experiment” involves an infant and parent seated facing each other. After a few minutes of play, the parent becomes completely unresponsive and shows a blank face. The infant tries an increasingly dramatic array of tricks to reanimate the parent while becoming more distressed. After a minute of participating in the experiment, the parent reengages, and parent and infant can synchronize once more. Not only did this experiment dramatically shift developmental psychologists’ understanding of infants’ agency in their social relationships, but also the research that built from this study over the last four decades offers insights into how each of us can build a strong sense of self and healthy relationships. In their new book, The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust, Ed Tronick and Claudia M. Gold argue that discord in relationships is common and we build our sense of self, closeness with others, and ability to manage challenges when we embrace relationship mismatches, uncertainty, and the opportunity they present for growth. Tronick is the creator of the still-face experiment and University Distinguished Professor of Developmental and Brain Sciences at University of Massachusetts, Boston and Research Associate at Harvard Medical School. Gold is a pediatrician and author specializing in early childhood mental health and faculty at University of Massachusetts, Boston and at Boston Children’s Hospital. Although the still face experiment focuses on the infant-parent relationship, the paradigm and this book will be of interest to individuals seeking to improve a variety of different types of relationships as well as people who care for others who may have a history of unrepaired relationships.

People feel pressure to or expect to be in sync with relationship partners, but in reality, mismatch is the norm. The way that mismatch is repaired can nurture us and bring about a sense of pleasure, security, and trust. Parents and infants, for example, are out of sync about 70% of the time, but that mismatch is important for infants, and adults, to feel agentic, self-confident, and competent in managing challenges on independently and with the help of others. In this vein, Tronick and Gold echo previous calls that parents should trust their own instincts, remain calm and present, and be simply “good enough;” they should not strive for perfection, which undermines mental health and well-being.

We make meaning, in our bodies and minds, of moments of mismatch and repair with others and the interpretations we build of these experiences stay with us. Because of our parents’ roles in children’s early environment and meaning-making they act as “neuroarchitects,” changing how their children’s minds and brains are built and even how genes are expressed. When people cannot make coherent meaning of events or cannot construct a vision for a better future, it can threaten their sense of self, keep them stuck in a moment of hardship, and produce feelings of hopelessness. Even if an individual had insufficient experience with relational mismatch and repair in early life or experienced other early life stresses, they can learn to self-regulate as they co-regulate in the context of new relationships. Relationships are the best buffer against stress and trauma, way to heal from them, and the best booster of well-being generally.

To build productive interpretations of the messiness of relationships, people need to feel safe and accept that being out of sync is part of the process of connecting. Relationships are dynamic and each party has a responsibility in shaping the dynamic. Considering the other party’s perspective, remaining open and curious about the other person, listening to them and making them feel like they belong, being playful, and leaving room for uncertainty can support relationship health.

Although Tronick and Gold focus primarily on relationships between two individuals, principles from the still-face paradigm have implications for society more generally. Society needs to invest in social relationships, including but not limited to the parent-child relationship; our relationships are literally, biologically, life-sustaining. The differences between us can be our greatest strength if we allow ourselves to work through relational turbulence, accept that struggle is normal, and recover into better and stronger relationships. In this moment in time, with so much political divisiveness, and when we are quarantining at home and many of us are spending significant amounts of time with family, we could all benefit from heeding Tronick and Gold’s relationship advice.

Tronick, E. & Gold, C.M. (2020). The Power of Discord: Why the Ups and Downs of Relationships are the Secret to Building Intimacy, Resilience, and Trust. Hachette Book Group.